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I had already learned that it was easier to give into him than it was to fight it so I was prepared to do as he asked. When I got near his penis I noticed the unmistakable smell of sex. I know what semen smells like and I know what his genitals smell like after we have sex so I knew that he had been with another woman. I was very angry and I started screaming at him, accusing him of cheating on me calling him all kinds of names. Roger waited for me to calm down a little then he slapped me across the face and said, 'Don't you ever accuse me of cheating on you again. If you ever do that again I will through you out on your ass. Now if you don't want to get slapped again you better give me that blow job. From that point on I was broken. His adulterous behavior became more common and he seem to relish in making me have sex with him when he came home. I think he did it just to humiliate me. Over the next three years I learned two important things. First, I learned how to have sex without. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe me. It remembers how he said he’d die for me and believes that there is another way. Still, it knows that he read my hands and prints and strategically placed the needles he made. Acupuncture for relationships. He said that it was for me. He cared. But too many of the needles were painful. I ignored the.
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