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’ She looked at him. ‘Pray tell me, sir, how is it different from what one reads in the books? What does the marital embrace feel like?’ Afterwards, he couldn’t have said what prompted it, just that it was the only possible answer. ‘I’m not good with words.’ Holding her eyes, he said ‘Why don’t I show you?’ Startled, she asked ‘Do you mean -?’ ‘Yes.’ She went utterly still for so long that he began to sweat. Finally she asked ‘Why?’ ‘I want to,’ he said, surprising himself. He hadn’t realised how true it was until this moment. If she said no, something within him would die. Somehow, she had become important to him. ‘Now?’ ‘When better? Your servants must be in bed by now. No-one is looking for us. We may never get another chance.’ She continued to stare at him. Without warning, she smiled. ‘Then – yes.’ He was caught between elation and urgency. He wanted to pounce on her, but feared that she would back out. ‘Take off your cap,’ he said. Obediently, she pulled off the monstrosity. It is the woman who confuses me. I was never so good with women as I am with men, and this one is enigma to me. She is very nervous, she is never still, and there is about her a sense of something close to hysteria. And I can’t read whether she speaks true or not that she does not know of anything wrong that they do.In my mind M’kamba tells me don’t try so hard, sit and watch and listen and truth will come. I do as best I can, but this time truth doesn’t come. I feel that I have failed, and I tell this to Linda and Irving, but I cannot say if this woman lies or says true. There is too much in her mind, too much extra, too many layers and I can’t reach through to base where truth lies.Irving says is all right, he does not expect perfection, but I am unhappy with myself. Even when Linda tells me the same as we drive to home I remain displeased.Only in the night when I am nearly asleep do I suddenly understand. Of course this woman does not lie! I feel very foolish that I have not seen.
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