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All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best...I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit, ‘ while I’m reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!!!I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have.
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