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He began talking. The essence was that he did not regret anything that had happened between us the other night, but despite that he loved Nadine. I knew that. From the start of it I had known that I could only steal some small fraction of his affection. Somebody like me could never replace someone like Nadine. I truthfully told him that I would never expect him or wanted him to leave his wife for me. I cried and said that we would have to tell her what happened. We at least owed her that.He argued calmly against it. Stating that this would be a destructive thing to do. We should rather keep this between us and deal with our emotions ourselves. What we both agreed upon was that we wanted to stay friends, that this should not destroy the relationship we had built over the years and especially over the past weeks and months. He was worried that bringing Nadine into this could endanger this intention. Mat can often times be very convincing but on this morning I was not persuaded. Trust. This lasted for multiple years, and through multiple abusers. Some were much older, some weren’t related to me, and some were nearly the same age I was. Sometimes they knew about each other, sometimes they didn’t. But I just let it happen, maybe that’s why they all tried, maybe the first guy told the rest that I wouldn’t fight back, I don’t know, it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know how to explain it to someone who hasn’t been abused like this, but I hated them all to the point where I contemplated trying to kill them, but also, I looked forward to when one would approach me and start undoing his pants. I’d get a rush of fear and anger and it turned me on… I secretly hoped each day that one of them would come into my room and push me onto the bed, sliding their manhood into me. This disgusting anticipation made my orgasms fast and powerful, though I did my best to conceal my pleasure from them. I was used for sex when no one else was around, like a dirty habit, until one by one,.
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