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There is a certain standard, in fact several. One youabsolutely have to keep up, one you should, one you'd better and oneyou'd ideally, maybe even more. Very, very demanding. When not in bedwith him, I always feel under pressure to fulfil that role. I feel onlyat ease when he fucks me, and when I does, he fucks me senseless. Fromone extreme into the other. The relaxed middle-ground that I inhabitedas a man for most of the time is gone.I suppose it isn't completely inaccessible for womankind in general. Buteven given that they can enter it, e.g. when home alone, there is muchless room for it in their lives. In mine, there was none at all. Butthat was intentional. Part of my conditioning, so in addition to myaddiction to his sexual favours I also needed him as a retreat from allthese pressures and expectations. And I direly needed to unwind fromtime to time.Take for instance the issue of the male gaze. Being a sex object, Iattracted it and was no longer the one gazing, I was its. I asked him if he had a girlfriend, he replied he hadn't in fact he didn't have many friends at all.He said this was the best chat he'd had in ages and thanked me, I said there's no need to thank me he put his hand on my leg and said "Seriously Thankyou", which I thought was odd. He said "See those trees over there", I said "Yes", he said come with me and I'll show you something and with that he got up and walked towards them, curious I followed him.Hidden deep in the undergrowth was a concrete base, which was probably a building some years ago, I sat down and pulled out another cigarette, and offered him another, he said his name was Tim. We were sat on this concrete wall and he put his hand on my leg again, I looked at him and he was smiling, he moved his hand up my leg, and to be honest I was getting hard, I looked at his crutch and he had a big lump in his trousers.I said I'm not gay I'm happily married and he replied that it wouldn't matter for once, and with that he was.
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