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I can't remember what I putin the end but I finished the essay, wrote a bit in my diary and wentand got some food from the restaurant. I then sat down to watch thetelevision again. There was a Doris Day film on. All blond hair andhappy families. The sun always seemed to shine in these films and thekids were happy. Mum and Dad go arm in arm and all is sweetness andlight. The film finished and it was getting dark. I locked up the houseturned everything off and went to bed.I found it very difficult to sleep. Right above me in the attic was myMum's things. I had an overwhelming desire to look at them again, inspite of everything. I put dressing gown over my pj's and went upstairsto have another peek in the case. I switched on the light, went over tothe case and opened it.On top was a dress. It was a flowery dress that looked shiny, satin Isuppose. I picked it up and held it up. It was a very pretty dress andI fantasised what my Mother would look like in it.I carefully put it down and had. He took all the clothes out of my suitcaseand threw them out too, and then he threw the suitcase after it. Thelast thing he said was "Don't come back, you stupid cunt. Or I'llkill you." I put the clothes back into the suitcase and went back tothe guy's room. He let me in and seemed willing to help. Althoughthere was a cost to it. He wanted to have sex for helping me. But,frankly, at that moment sex was a reasonable tradeoff for help anddecent treatment. And he provided help and decent treatment.I don't remember anything about Mary from before this time. The firsttime I remember looking at her, she was very dirty, in fact, shestunk. So, I tried to give her a bath that night, but Mary screamedlike a banshee. So, I stopped and gave her a sponge bath. She washappy with that. But other than her fear of bathing, she didn't showany unusual behavior. In fact, she was pretty mellow and sweet. Whenshe nursed and when she cuddled with me, I felt a special connection,and I fell.
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