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I was filled with uncertainty and apprehension. Would I actually be able to kill if I had to? How would it feel to become a killer? It was frightening even to think about it, how much worse would the reality be. I began to smoke more than before, and, if the chance arose, to drink more too. At least anti-aircraft gunners didn’t usually get to see anyone actually killed. None of my training prepared me for the real horrors that awaited me. Having been sent to defend an airfield in South Eastern England, there were frequent air raids that meant explosions, and bomb fragments that whistled through the air whilst the guns boomed away. Adrenaline kept us going but after the raids the fear would return. Then the casualties began to appear: rows of corpses, sometimes mutilated beyond recognition, which left me nauseous and unable to face an evening meal. Many nights I sat outside my hut staring at the sky and smoking knowing that a young man or woman that I had been talking to, making. I wanted to have those green eyes flashing at me – to have that laugh responding to some comment of mine. Then I acknowledged the envy for the foolishness it was and let it fade away.I turned away and looked out the window when I saw her paying for her order. I could clearly see her reflection in the glass but this way she wouldn't see me staring at her when she turned around. I watched as she picked up the little cardboard tray with its four take-away cups held in place – always four cups – and made her way out of the cafe. From the reflection of her face in the glass, she seemed happy and relaxed as she walked past me.A cough sounded right next to the table. I looked and couldn't hide a little jump. She was standing right there, looking down at me."I know you're watching me," she said. "I could feel your eyes on me as soon as I walked into the cafe." Oh!" What are you doing here? Dad will kill you if he catches you talking to me? He thinks you'll lead me astray." I just like to see.
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