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I noticed he was looking at me a lot, and I didnt want him to stop. When my friends and I walked away, I turned back and caught him still staring at me, which made us both laugh. We had a bonfire on the beach late that night. I sat in the dunes with my friend and her boyfriend and the staff of Firehouse Leather, drinking beer and watching a meteor shower flickering in the dark above us. I dont remember what we talked about, but it didnt matter. It was clear to all of us that this was special, that we would remember it, and that the night could end only one way: my friend would go back to the woods and I would walk down Commercial Street in the dawn with Austin and get into his bed. When we had sex, it became clear to me that, in fact, I had never had sex before. What had happened on that futon on Great Jones had been a failed attempt, the young man from NYU had not completed his mission. This, now, was something else. It was uncomfortable, then pleasurable, but most of all it was. Period. We discuss why you didn’t like it, and either continue or I switch gears and we just make love. You hold the power to stop everything immediately with one simple word. If you’re scared I’m going to consume you? I will, absolutely. But I don’t want a machine. I want my wife to be willing and ready for me, to want to follow my commands because it pleases me. To trust me enough to get us both where we want and need to be. It takes a strong woman to gift her submission to a man.”I was silent for a moment. Turning his words over in my head. “But where does punishment fit into this? Will the threat of it always be hanging over my head? For what? For a misconceived wrong because you had a bad day? John, I’ve never been hit in my life and the thought of you hitting me scares the daylights out of me.”I felt him take a deep breath, his exhale tickling my ear. “Yes, there will be punishments. I have rules, Abigail. It’s how I am, it’s how I know to keep you safe. But Love, you will come.
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