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The sensation of being in control, of having people want me, was intoxicating. I took a shower and tried to clean myself as best I could. I dried myself and laid down on the bed, and without knowing it, I fell fast asleep. When I woke, the sun was coming through the slits in the blinds. It cast odd shadows on the wall, lines that covered the entire length of the room, and crossed my naked body on top of the sheets. I examined myself in the half-light, peering over the curves of my hips, the soft rise of my thighs, the bend in my leg that led to my pubic area, my flat stomach with a hint of definition, the slight sag of my breasts that caused them to fall slightly to the side with their mass, the large brownish areolas that held my hardening nipples in the morning cold, and the small arms that framed the entire picture. I was beautiful, and I was a woman. I had nothing to do with my days until school started. It was a recipe for disaster. That morning, I had a new found energy. I ate. Problem was, it was almost impossible to admire him more than he admired himself. It was also impossible for him to admire others. Like me, for instance. He ridiculed my pro bono cases. He made fun of my trying to get things done for kids in bad neighbourhoods.I lapped it all up. And purred.Of course I saw in the end who he was. A bit late, I admit. But hey, even dumbo's have to start somewhere. Problem with this dumbo, though, was that she didn't stop admiring him. Doting on him might be a better word.I was never a girl to have many friends. Especially after I became moonstruck over damn Phil. The few girlfriends I did have I had pushed away by then, a habit I had always found disgusting in other girls.The only friend who did not accept being pushed away, was Irene Gallaghan. We went to kindergarten together, peed on potties together. She is all I am not. Tall, uncomplicated, clever. And beautiful.I am pretty. Cute they say. The kind of pretty you come up with if someone forces you.
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