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I keep playing through what I did or where I went wrong but I keep coming blank then swap into these horrible bouts of self-loathing for not doing better at whatever the fuck was wrong. I keep thinking of him too. What he might be doing right now and constantly wondering if he is thinking of me at all. If he even cares about me to begin with? Etc, etc, etc. Insert standard sadness shit here, blah... As you know, I struggle with trying to distract myself with other tasks or activities that might help take my mind off how unworthy I feel - and how much wine I've consumed in recent months - but nothing is helping. I can't even find someone who is willing to hold me for longer than a few hours, without it being in between meaningless sex. Hell, at this point, even a friend would be nice. Someone I can just talk to who would be willing to listen and make sure I don't die from alcohol poisoning - or loneliness, whichever gets me first. I don't know how in the world I got to this point in. Soon after she wanted a divorce again and she began telling me that I was sick for wanting to fuck and get fucked by men. She was going to tell everyone and ruin my life. I began in earnest to find someone to cheat with. I was done! I couldn't do this any more! Fuck her! A few weeks later I logged onto a site that I hadn't been on for almost a year. I had a message waiting and it had only been there for about 4 days. It said,"Kitty wants to fuck". I was sure it was one of those fakes wanting me to join a website, but I decided to reply instead. It turned out that Kitty was real. We began sending messages back and forth. She is submissive and was looking for a Master to dominate her. She was experienced and had moved here two years prior and had very few friends and no friends in the lifestyle. She was married also and promised she could be discrete. We soon met and it was a hot affair. I had never been rough with a woman or treated one like she wanted me to so I had to learn what she.
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