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But parallel to that, and always present, was an intense sense ofembarrassment at what I was doing. It was not normal for a boy to dressin womens clothes - and especially to gain sexual satisfaction from it.So as I masturbated into my pantyhose enjoying the bizarre,androgynously feminine image in the mirror before me, I often thought ofgirls I longed for and what the boys at my school would think, say anddo if they saw or knew about this - the shame and humiliation; thetaunts of "sissy", "queer", and "faggot" would scroll through my mind asa I luxuriated in the feel and look of my pantyhose, heels, panties, andskirts, working myself to a fever pitch of arousal. I also began toexperiment with light bondage, emulating images of damsels in distressthat I would often see on afternoon television. The feeling ofhelplessness and vulnerability enhanced the feeling of femininity. Inlater life, I also often pondered whether it was also a means ofreconciling my "perversions" with my "normal". "I'll do it the way you've coached me." You're the key man right now," she reminded him. "We're all counting on you, and so are they"—she gestured toward the Edenform bay."I still wonder if all this is really necessary," the mate said. "I mean, this whole elaborate hoax. There are simpler ways to get the big lander here, and that's really all we need." The lander's not enough," she said. "We've discussed all this. We need Eugene himself here, he's too dangerous to leave on the loose down there while we're unloading. Don't start waffling on us now."He nodded. "Yeah, you're right, I know. I've just got a little, well, stage fright I suppose. Make sure the script rolls on the monitor as I talk." The words he'd be saying when Mallet came on had been carefully scripted and were prominently displayed in front of him. For the most part he'd simply be able to read them; but, since Mallet's end of the conversation was of course unknown, they'd had to use multiple variations and contingencies..
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