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During this time we were very tight for cash and the house was very close to be taken away. Our close family knew this. Well my mother reached home and aunt’s husband Vikesh also entered. They both thought I was not at home but at college. Really I was in my room working.I peeped from my room and saw that my mother had gone into her room to get changed when Vikesh came in. He presented her with an envelope of money. My mother was grateful to him for helping us out.But then he said “what can u give me in return?” He then touched my mother’s breast. My mother was furious she shouted at him. He then took the money back and was about to go. Then my mother begged at his feet to give the money. He said only if u let me do what I want. My mother cried “yeah but we need the money”.Then vikesh laid my mother on a bed. My mother was dressed in a nice red saree for the engagement party. He said just be my dulhan for an hour. My mother was silent. He lifted her saree to knee level and I saw. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.And what about this act I had performed. The new, dominant Howard Carver. It was an act. I knew that. Could I sustain it? I doubted it. Perhaps in some less aggressive and challenging form. Someone I could actually become without disliking myself. I knew I would never be able to return to the.
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