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I knew what I was doing with all my theories though.I was trying to absolve myself.Enough Alex Turner remained that he needed to assert that he hadn'tgiven up on his maleness, and his macho hetero sexuality. He'd had nochoice.It was true. I did feel guilt with regard to what I'd become and thatI'd become it so readily.Even after all this time.I think especially because Kevin had disappeared and I was going tospend the rest of my days as a single woman and mother. I may findmyself seeking comfort, which I'd clearly shown my intent to doalready. So I had to come to terms with it.Relieving myself of all responsibility for my actions was the onlyway I could really make peace with my choices.And it seemed I definitely needed to do that.****So, returning to life beyond the distracting focus that was thewedding, I suffered in silence.Firstly with the morning sickness, which at times became severe enoughto earn the fancy mantle of hyperemesis gravidarum. I had to keep mypregnancy secret for. Mimi, Chloe, Matilde, and Annette, were all descended from the same sire as was Eloise de La Zouche.All thoughts of galloping my desirable and enthusiastic wife vanished.In my mind I was transported back to the room in the tower of Tewkesbury Abbey, with Erzählenmann holding a loaded crossbow, and my family on a platform within range of a crossbow bolt.Every year I received a birthday ‘greeting’ from Eloise de La Zouche containing veiled threats to my family. Last November the note had promised me ‘unimagined delights when you are free of your encumbrances.‘.I was convinced Eloise de La Zouche had paid Erzählenmann to kill my wife and daughters. Her intent was obvious. The destruction of my family would herald the beginning of a relationship betwixt her and I, and that destruction had been planned for yesterday. However, my death was not part of the plan; Eloise wanted me alive, to suffer the loss of my family for a second time.Erzählenmann must have been in two minds how to deal.
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