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Ah well,I should have expected it. The rest of the house was doused in silencewhen I gave up trying to sleep at nine o'clock. I just wanted to go tobed. To lie there next to Sam and fall back to sleep snuggled up againsthim. I started a pot of coffee and ran upstairs to take a shower. The hell with everybody. I smiled at myself in the mirror as I removedone of the little blue pills from the blister pack, one of the anti-androgens from the bottle, and washed them down with some tepid water. Isneaked into my room and grabbed a pair of tattered jeans and a beat uptee shirt; my painting clothes. Sam still hadn't budged. It seemed to methere were two things he excelled at: eating and sleeping. Back in thekitchen I downed a quick bowl of cereal. I didn't really want it, but thepamphlet enclosure said to take the pills "with food". I had a cup ofcoffee and a cigarette. Yes, there were also ample warnings on thepackage insert about smoking while taking estrogen. Some things you justignore.I. Every time I’ve felt like doing it to myself, there it is. It’s in my brain yelling loudly. It’s a sin an the eyes of God. Don’t do it. Maybe that’s the reason I can’t be the kind of woman Eddie wants me to be. I even try to stop him from touching me there. But, Lord, how I’ve desired him to do it anyway. Even in the privacy of her own bathroom, she felt the flush spreading in her cheeks as the thought of the pleasure she had received, on those few times, when Eddie had stroked her clitoris to hard erectness, bringing her a feeling of indecent shame. Alyce was trying desperately to rationalize her conditioning. Life in Salt Lake City with her strict Mormon upbringing gave the young woman little chance to think for herself. The strict religious community of which her f****y played a leading role gave her little chance to do anything without the watchdog eyes of everyone upon her. Always present and in the forefront was the consideration of what other people thought ….
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