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In reply to formal invitation or our sending of formal invitation I wish to be referred to as Lady Augustine and underneath that my title as Director of the London Office of the Republic of Kissock Tourism. In legal documents I shall be the Right Honorable Baroness of Kissock. Formally I shall be introduced as Chantilly, Baroness Augustine. I have been briefed that Kissock’s peerage is not officially recognized in the UK but my briefing from home says we should use our titles honourably in the UK.’ The first invitation Chantilly accepted was to have Saturday night dinner with Ivy and her husband Jack and three other couples. Chantilly arrived in high heels, tight jeans and a tight top and the diamond necklace her ecstatic mother, Lady Brown and her father Sir Cyril, had sent her when news of Chantilly’s ascent into the peerage was announced by the Prime Minister and reported widely in the media in Kissock. A girl of about thirteen answered the door and asked scathingly, ‘Where’s you. ‘How silly I am, she thought, to be so tied up with a man who may not even exist. She laughed aloud at the thought that he might be a recalcitrant twelve-year-old. Well, what the hell. Her two ‘real’ relationships had not worked out very well, one had been a worthless wimp, the other violent. It was fun, pretending. God knew she didn’t have much to really offer. Her body was maybe okay, she thought, if you were a man. She had waited twenty-nine years for luscious melon-sized breasts to develop, but apples were all she had gotten. Now, as she grew older, they were maybe more like saggy pears. She had no hips, her knees were knobby, her hair lifeless, dull. She had a little belly that jiggled when she laughed, which was seldom. She knew she was a lousy lover, both her men had told her so, many times. To top it off, she was boring, had no special interests outside her job. Dating left her flat. Anyway, dating these days was scary, with all those diseases floating around. She had had.
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