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Yesterday was the worst in my entire life and the feeling of having lost something incredibly important is immense. Although I can?t put my finger on it precisely I feel dumber already and realize that this lack of ability is part of that. Daddy has forced me to have regular breakfast smooth and to go to the toilet as usual, but he has taken my dentures, says I won?t need them while this goes on. I was unable to resist the diaper and as a result I am now standing in diapers and rubber shorts again. I tremble as I try to resist, to back out, but in the end I am literally up against a wall, Daddy pressing the bottle into my hand. Sliding down the wall in defeat I plead and beg but all too soon I am again swallowing the hateful liquid and soon after I am wrapped in my cocoon of terrible, mind defeating numbness. He is winning, just as he always has, and I am gradually becoming dumber and dumber. As I go under I hope to be able to hear his soothing voice again even if I know it?s only. I ran to him, dropping the tinfoil. It fell to the ground with an odd thunk noise. I tilted his head back, put my mouth to his and breathed out, started chest compressions, administering CPR before realizing that my lips had touched only cold. My knees buckled, and I landed on the floor by the side of the bed. Didn’t he have a do not resuscitate, anyway? By how cold he was, he might have been dead for hours. Still I felt I should feel for a pulse, because even though I could sense he was long gone, what if I were wrong? There was no pulse. I put my forehead down on the bed near his hip. ‘No,’ I said. He was doing so well. ‘Why couldn’t you just get asparagus?’ It was a ridiculous thing to say, as if, if he had been able to go to the store to get a vegetable everything would have been fine. I took out my phone and dialed 911. ‘What’s the nature of your emergency?’ a female operator said. It took me a few tries to speak. I guess it wasn’t an emergency anymore, was it. But weren’t you.
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