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Even with the droopy drawers, it was impossible to tell if I was a boy or a girl with the heavy greasepaint all over my face and head. My hair was bunched up inside of a thin rubber cap and I wore a curly genderless orange colored wig. When I saw myself in the mirror, my clown face smiled at how silly and ridiculous I looked.It was amusing to me the way both Flopsie and Mopsie continuously managed to get their hands all over my bottom with the slightest opportunity. I really didn't mind and it didn't matter to me which was the girl and which was the boy. They were very naughty and free with their fingers and in all honesty, I found it to be quite pleasant.Before we got to the clown jamboree, Benny explained to me that the gathering usually got a little loose and frisky at the end. He warned me that the clowns "hooked up" with each other in a sexual sense and that I should be prepared to "take it" if asked. He explained that the anonymous nature of the annual celebration excused the. I wanted to believe in fate, in destiny, like I'd had no choice in the matter. It removed some of the guilt I was feeling. It wasn't my fault, it was God, or the universe, or just ... fate.But I'd picked, I knew. I'd made decisions and chosen what I was doing. I'd betrayed my dad, my friends, even my mom, probably. I was looking at the medicine cabinet, thinking I should find one of my dad's razor blades. I should just go to sleep in that bath. My dad would be happier maybe. Oh, I knew he'd be sad for awhile, but in the end, wouldn't it be better? Better for him, better for me. I could close my eyes finally without crying in my sleep.I was naked, still warm from my bath, but dry now, except for my hair. I'd washed myself carefully, like a baptism, washing away the bad thoughts, purifying myself for this moment. My dad was there, in his bed, sleeping softly and I could hear his breathing, slow and steady. I moved to him, my bare feet silent on the carpet, and I slipped into his bed,.
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