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Then the words spoken in my ears whispered, "I love you, Jason, and I'm so very sorry for what I did to you. I don't blame you for leaving, but I really was not in my right mind. I know that is not a good excuse, but it's the truth. When I came home that night and I saw that you were gone, I just fell to pieces and tried to kill myself. I had called both Becky and DJ and told them that I thought that you had been kidnapped. I couldn't tell them that I was the reason you left. I couldn't even admit it to myself. I tried to kill myself and took a bunch of tablets, but they were vitamins, not the sleeping pills I thought they were."I was throwing up and dehydrated by the time DJ's friend got to the house. He called an ambulance and they hospitalized me. DJ finally put his foot down three years ago. His demeanor was so much like his father's then that I accepted the fact that I had to do something. I was wasting away and knew it was entirely my fault. After two years of therapy, I. The close and the painful distant.I've only seen you cry once, though. Naked, spooning face to face. I always hold you close. The calm, beautiful aftermath of consuming each other. There were very few words between us, but I knew something was wrong. Something you wouldn't get specific about.Your features suddenly softening, lips trembling, hand squeezing mine as I held you tighter. Face burying into my shoulder, I could warm droplets on my skin before hearing you cry.I could feel your heart's erratic drumming, like the beating wings of a small, terrified bird. You whispered things that painted enough of a picture. About feeling alone at home. Hurt. And never being enough.I know those things all too well.Beyond there, the words are mostly unintelligible sobs. I'll never repeat any of the other snippets I caught. One thing we've always had in common is knowing how to keep the other's secrets closely guarded. Despite the pain we've inflicted at times, we never turn secrets into.
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