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Sometimes I would feel sweat between her calves, but I ignored it and focussed on my stuff. After that, she would ask me to massage her back. Now there would be no way to massage her back withoutRemoving her gown, which would deem her semi-naked just in her inner wear, she did not do it.Let me transversing from her ankle to the calves and then to her back. This had one problem, her panty and buttocks would come in between.Wear a saree. This would be too much of a task for her.So initially, she used to ask me to massage her back by being careful not to touch her buttocks/underwear, which was problematic. So later, she would change her gown to a petticoat and blouse. Kind of a middle path. I would massage her at night, and then we would sleep.As I had no sexual thoughts then, it was normal for me. But I had entered adolescence, due to which my testosterone had shot up. I would sleep clinging to her. Maybe my hard penis used to poke her ass due to hormonal changes in me. I did not know. I had never even felt like causing anyone serious harm now suddenly I was supposed to learn to kill. I was filled with uncertainty and apprehension. Would I actually be able to kill if I had to? How would it feel to become a killer? It was frightening even to think about it, how much worse would the reality be. I began to smoke more than before, and, if the chance arose, to drink more too. At least anti-aircraft gunners didn’t usually get to see anyone actually killed. None of my training prepared me for the real horrors that awaited me. Having been sent to defend an airfield in South Eastern England, there were frequent air raids that meant explosions, and bomb fragments that whistled through the air whilst the guns boomed away. Adrenaline kept us going but after the raids the fear would return. Then the casualties began to appear: rows of corpses, sometimes mutilated beyond recognition, which left me nauseous and unable to face an evening meal. Many nights I sat outside my hut.
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