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She wondered if otherpeople didn't also live at least some part of their lives in a similarfashion, with or without realizing it. Perhaps the difference was that, inretrospect, they took more credit (or blame)--rightly or wrongly--fortheir actions, reluctant to admit just how out-of-control they'd actuallybeen when making some of the most important decisions of their lives.If anything, Marcia was far more inclined to take responsibility for hermistakes than credit for her successes. Walt was always trying to convinceher of the courage it took to start her life over as she had. But Marciadisagreed. It hadn't taken courage, simply desperation. It didn't requirecourage to run from a burning building. What she'd done was purelyinstinctive. She blindly did what she had to do in order to survive. Maybewhat would have required real courage was to stay put and let the flamesconsume her. Be a parent to Phoebe in whatever form that took. Even ifcontinuing life as a man were unendurable. Everyone in the room waited, doing the same thing she was doing, until she was sure some people started holding their breath in hopes to hear the Pale Lady do something. Anything.At last, she started to play. Slow, quiet, a deep note that she dragged out for a long time, with a touch of waver. Like a crying mountain. The urge to start writing danced on Ashley’s fingers, but she’d have to wait until the show was done, then she could vomit words on the page until she had something worth sharing. Focus on the show for now. Another note, higher pitched, but still slow, shaking, a lamenting breeze.The Pale Woman started to play faster. And louder. What were once quiet notes rose until the stirring and breathing of the audience was buried in the power of the instrument. Other instruments joined in, invisible until more lights joined the stage to expose the new musicians. A drummer, a bassist, a guitarist, and a keyboardist — definitely not a piano, as each note hit wasn’t the typical.
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